The Bridge

The bridge lies in the middle,
shaking, but still i proceed on.

I try to grip tightly to the railings,
yet i see myself tripping.

It's still a long way ahead,
and never like a piece of cake.

As before the rocks were firm,
yet now it's moving.

Adjusting I thought it was,
till now the answer I haven't found.

Walk on, I thought,
Maybe not, the rock says.

Left out of the circle,
like a person without a shadow.

Looking for something,
that many others take for granted.

I press on, hold on.
Although the inside is bleeding.

Profusely than ever I hope,
that the bridge brings me to my destination.

100th post

Writing for my own pleasure, something for myself to look upon and laugh about as I reminisce. 'Contentment', this word keeps coming to me for the last few hours, including a sweet greeting card which came all the way from Los Angeles. Greed is something that grows and dwells inside each person's heart. Undeniably, it can be tangible, intangible, can be something big or something small. Even coveting somebody's food is a sign of discontentment. I remember telling myself, that I shall not be as superficial as many others, who are only concerned with the grades, and oblivious to many other purposes of education. I then found myself in a trance, like a schrodinger's cat, that you are neither here nor there.

Now i truly understand what it means by no pain no gain and also that it doesn't mean that success definitely comes when one put in the effort. Much hard work put into a project not necessarily bring good grade. I have to realize that there are things that I cannot control. If it is meant to be, God will make it come to pass, and of course, I myself will have to do what it takes, to do my best.

I did not want to make this some emo-melancholic entry, but just want to reaffirm my stand of not contradicting my own view and to understand how my mind and heart works and what I am motivated by.

As such, sometimes I can't be too sure of how I would react to things, since circumstances do happen.

the truth is.

I'm hooked onto Lady Gaga (ever since Just Dance), her unique persona caught me by surprise, thinking how she has the confidence to convince others to accept the existence of such a person in this discriminating madness. Undeniably, even I myself guilty, I despise, talk bad things behind people's back. It has become such a habitus, that it seems logically right to be a topic initiator, like "I think she's ugly in this outfit." It's not like people can't have opinions, just that comments are meant to be constructive, and edifying, not of demolition. Making others look bad doesn't make me better. Maybe it does make me feel entertained, like two friends gossiping over tea. However, what does that really mean? How can that be justified? Conclusion: opinions should only form until you experience it. You can't know the real truth by listening to people, as people tend to be biased, both consciously and sub-consciously.

Oh well, my main point is that, I am in awe of Gaga's self-confidence and her strong purpose in creating that persona. And I seriously want to do less of the non-edifying comments, which brings nothing but emptiness. Perhaps, not to judge people just thru' the eyes of others. I should also not procrastinate and do things without a purpose.

Selfish vs Selfless

I do realize that I'm doing much lesser than what I used to do in the past. I was the know-all-do-all guy, where I would go jogging in the morning and buy breakfast for the family, run errands like getting the newspaper or groceries readily without procrastination. I could spend more time concentrating on work and make sure that things are still in control.

I do realize that the furthest part that is within our control is just the tip of our nose, or other parts that is longer, like feet, as told by Peter. I was so caught up in wanting more, to be able to explore more of US, be able to do touristy stuff like others. Unknowingly, I found myself trapped in a phase where I was competing with others, and not focusing on the experience itself. I change my mindset after that but at the same time, I know that when you want something bad enough, you go all out to get it. For instance, I left a day out just for visiting UCLA, Chinatown, Hollywood and the Getty Center, just because I really want to.

I do realize that sometimes, I would feel that when I don't want or can't get something, I wish that others will fail to get it. This is extremely selfish and I don't like that feeling. I have to gradually change that thinking. =)

2 x 0 = 1 x 0

This is definitely not an emo post. As a matter of fact, I'm in a good mood right now, after regaining black hair and a warm and long shower. However, it is going to be chunky, and occasionally overbearing. By the way, I'm back from an unannounced blogging hiatus, which I can't remember the reason for its occurrence.

The first thing that came to my mind was this incident. I feel sympathetic towards people who are slightly bigger in size than others, because I was once them. I understand how it feels to be looked at in a different way and when people give you names. I have a couple of those, mostly associated with something big, like pigs, sweet potatoes and people do assume that these people tend to have lower IQ and act clumsily and stupidly. Not only do they have to deal with those piercing looks, they suffer from low self-esteem and self-confidence. Sometimes, not even willing to take photos or go out. They try not to create a commotion and keep a low profile. However, I came to a realization recently. It is within our control to do something about weight management, especially when we are determined. So, my view on this kind of changed.

I was in the bus, and as usual, people would sit alone, leaving the other seat untaken. I was choosing a seat. My requirement for a good seat are as follows: (1) The person sitting beside does not have any odor like cigarette smoke or perspiration. (2) The seat is closer to the exit (3) There is good ventilation. Here's my new improvised requirement. (4) Person sitting beside does not take up more than one seat. For the last few days, I was disturbed by how the person beside's butt was seeping into the next seat, leaving only about 1/2 the seat left. Furthermore, when they want to move to the exit, they have bigger motions and block the passageway. If everyone in the bus is smaller in size, probably it would be a better journey to some.

The second thing came to my mind right when I looked up into the sky as I was walking home just now, thinking about how I missed watching the big clear sky back in San Diego. Things were much different there. I remembered how I told people that I spend a lot of time watching the sky because I know very well that it is a privilege to us, the little people in Singapore. Talking about broad horizon, big sky, we do find out how small but complicated we are, that we are so complexed that perhaps only God is able to sort us out. When i say complex, i mean in terms of behavior, physical changes, socialization, habitus and many factors that attributed to who we are. There are those who want changes so much while there are those who like being who they are. Regarding contentment, everything seems never enough, which leads to utility and scarcity of resources. Time is limited, life is short, and people are unpredictable. Complications are.. never simplified.

I looked at the sky and looked back at myself, smiled, and walked on. Because life is wonderful because of the uncertainties and the wide opportunities.

Inching

"I love Love, I love being in Love.
I don't care what it does to me."

Things are good, things are bad. One great news is that I received two of my mid-term papers, particularly 'EDS126 - Educational Organization and Sociology" and "CHEM149A - Environmental Chemistry". Well, the first one was essay-based, a 100 marks which makes up 40% of that class. Really thank God and feel elated for getting 96 marks, because writing essay is never something I'm good at. This paper means much more to me, in boosting my confidence in writing, and to feel comfortable with my writing style. For the latter class, I got 41/45 for the mid-term, which makes up 20% of the class. Although I still worry for the organic mechanism class, I'm happy for doing well for the other two classes. Hopefully, the good grades will perpetuates till the end of the quarter.

Another great thing that happened was that I'm starting to be more pro-active about my activities in SD, and do whatever I wish to do here. I gain control of what I want to do. Made me feel better. In a way, I lowered my expectations for others and raised my expectations for myself. Bad thing is that you can't make the world turn for you, can't make everyone like you as a person, but best you could do is to like yourself, to be comfortable with who you are, and how you see yourself. In short, self-confidence.

There were awkward moments too, but I think I shall leave it as that and pray about it.

Heart After You

Create in me a new heart,
One that follows You.
Place in me a deep desire,
to know You as I know.

Set my feet in Your way,
To live worthy of Your call.
Draw me near to You Lord,
Every single day.


I just want to be more like You,
Walk with You beside me,
Lord, won't you be my guide,
Place your heart inside my soul,
A heart that's ever true,
One's that after you.